I decided to record some Deep Thoughts from Jack Handey.
-I remember asking my grandfather, when I was a child, about sex, and he said "Instead of telling you about sex, let me show you something", and he took me out to the pasture and there on the ground were my parents, having sex.
-It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-Maybe in order to understand mankind, we need to look at the word itself: "Mankind" is made up of two words; "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
-If ever you catch on fire, don't look in a mirror, because that will really panic you.
-We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and that is what annoys me.
-If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
-I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
-Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
-If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
-I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
-If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
-Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
-If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
-I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
-Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
-If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Russian cold borscht
4 weeks ago